Reasons why you’re bored in your marriage(2/4)

By Rumi Samuel Published on September 05, 2021
Reasons why you’re bored in your marriage(2/4)

In the beginning, when marriage is shiny and new, and your life is all walking hand in hand to pick out throw pillows and grab brunch and talk future baby names, you don’t have to work not to be bored. Things are naturally fresh and exciting. Over time, of course, life gets busy, and new becomes routine. Boredom is a natural byproduct of this, especially when you forget to focus on your relationship. “Many people look at the beginning of their relationships with fondness, but then life gets filled with work, carpools, school activities, etc.,” says William Schroeder, who runs the Austin-based counselling practice called Just Mind. “The relationship gets pushed to the background.”

Boredom can lead to bad decisions. Arguments. Resentment. Infidelity. If you find yourself bored in marriage, the key, then, is to take time for each other, even if it’s only small pockets here and there. A simple gesture like having dinner ready for your spouse, sending a flirty text, or just making time to stare into one another’s eyes (yes, seriously) can help bust up the routine and keep boredom at bay. Here’s how to get out of the black hole of boredom in marriage:

You equate romance with spontaneity.

Sure, everyone loves to be swept off their feet by huge romantic gestures. But don't think the only way your relationship will feel exciting is if you're acting on a whim like the couples in your favourite romantic comedy. That's not realistic most of the time.

"In today's lifestyle, we have so many requests for our time, we must set aside time for our partner and our relationship," says Wanis. "You can plan a vacation together; then, when you're there, you can engage in certain spontaneous activities."

You've fallen into a daily routine.

Having a hum-drum daily routine can make any relationship feel boring. Try new restaurants, new hobbies, and new places to visit. If you enjoy it, perfect! If not, laugh about it and vow never to do it again. Either way, getting out of your comfort zone ensures you won't be bored. Plus, "it's been proven that those who do new things together build 'the cuddle hormone (oxytocin) and feel closer for longer," says California-based psychotherapist Dr Barton Goldsmith, PhD.

You're not setting goals for your relationship.

When you get into a relationship, most couples establish goals together. But as time goes on and you reach those goals, it's pivotal to establish new ones to strive for. If not, you're bound to feel unenthused about the future.

Continuing to encourage and support each other in reaching your goals—whether solo or as a couple—ultimately increases the love you have for each other. As Goldsmith says, "Happiness comes from moving toward what you want, not necessarily getting it."

You're not sharing enough of your life with your partner

If you're noticing that you feel a bit bored in your marriage, try sharing more. To bond with your partner, you must be willing to open up and be vulnerable. And doing so can come in many different forms. "Sharing can be sharing the exchange of information, of emotions. It can be the sharing of experiences," says Wanis.

Need a place to start? Try discussing some of your favourite shared experiences. Not only will doing so remind you of great times, but it'll also open you up and give you more ideas for your next adventure!

Or you're joined at the hip.

On the other side of that coin, don't be afraid to be your person. Couples who spend too much time together can easily start to feel bored, or even worse, frustrated. Try finding new hobbies of your own and experiencing things away from your spouse sometimes. It'll only give you more to share with them and make it more exciting when you reunite.

Rumi Samuel

Rumi Samuel

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