Reasons why you’re bored in your marriage(3/4)

By Rumi Samuel Published on September 12, 2021
Reasons why you’re bored in your marriage(3/4)

By knowing what types of mistakes can lead to boredom in a relationship, you and your partner will be better equipped to keep things fresh and fun — even if every single day can't and won't be the most thrilling.

While relationships typically start in a flurry of passion and excitement, also known as the honeymoon stage, says therapist Julie Williamson. But, she explains that such a high level of joy and newness simply can’t last forever. "Naturally, those feelings may wane after settling into a life with someone that involves daily routines,” she tells Bustle.

The honeymoon stage fades away, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, according to De. Marisa T. Cohen, a relationship expert at the couples app Paired, you’ll eventually start moving into a phase that includes getting to know each other on a deeper level. For some couples, it may be interpreted as “boring.” But there are ways around it.

“Avoiding boredom is simply about making an effort to keep things fresh, avoiding complacency, and remaining individuals — despite the fact you're very much together,” Cohen says. It’ll be up to you both to keep an eye out for unhealthy patterns and habits that suck the joy out of the room or make you feel stuck.

With that said, read on to discover why you might be feeling bored in your marriage:

Your brain craves novelty

Accepting the fact that things will feel boring sometimes is an important step in fixing the problem. After all, as Stanford University neuroscientist Russel Poldrack noted in an article for Huffpost, "novelty causes many brain systems to become activated, and foremost among these is the dopamine system." And, as you may recall, dopamine is that feel-good hormone we're all after.

But being able to recognize your biological need for novelty and responding accordingly will ensure you and your partner don't suffer. "Now and then, you need to think about the relationship—what's going on and what needs to happen so you can make it more interesting and exciting?" notes Irina Firstien, LCSW, a couples therapist in New York City.

You're taking each other for granted.

Fierstein says that once you start feeling safe and secure in your relationship, that's when you get lazy, complacent, and, yes, bored. "You kind of stop making any kind of efforts, both physically and otherwise," she says. "And we don't feel like we need to try the way that we try in the beginning."

Of course, after years of building a relationship with someone, it can be easy to think of what they do for you and your family as a normal part of life. But it's important that you don't take your partner for granted and that you constantly express gratitude for who they are and the impact they have on your life and happiness. You'll be surprised how much zest that can bring back into your marriage.

Your sex life is unfulfilling or nonexistent.

Sexual boredom is a common plague in long-term relationships. "It happens because people kind of fall into patterns of having a sexual relationship, or it'll just be much less important," says Fierstein. "Learn how to keep things going, how to keep desire going, and how to keep things alive."

But how? Well, try voicing ideas with your partner and explore new ways to please each other. Just talking about sex can make your sex life a lot more exciting.

Technology is consuming you.

Technology is something many of us rely on heavily nowadays. But your relationship can become stale quickly if you're constantly attached to your phone. To avoid falling victim to "phubbing," Fierstein suggests instituting some phone-free time each day.

"When you come home, or half an hour after you come home, you have to turn your phones off and put them away for some time," she says. "Just deal with what's happening between you and your kids and your partner."

You only spend time together as a family, not as a couple

Spending time together as a family is important, of course, but the only time you spend time with your partner shouldn't be at your kids' school plays or soccer games. Frankly, if those are your date nights, you're bound to feel a bit bored. Make sure you take time away from the kids to enjoy each other without distractions.

"Check in with each other for at least 10 minutes every day," Dr Phillip Cowan, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of California at Berkeley, told Parents. "That can be done after you put the kids to bed or even on the phone while you're both at work, as long as you're sharing what happened to you that day and how it's affecting you emotionally. The pace of life today is so frenetic that few couples do this. But marriages are capable of change, and small changes can make big differences."

Rumi Samuel

Rumi Samuel

0 Comment

No comment found. Be the first one to add comment on this article.

Leave a Comment