How to orgasm(1/4)
No matter how books and movies make it seem, the Big Secret about sex is that it’s not always easy. Despite the vagina-having characters on TV orgasming after mere seconds of penetration, the reality is only 18 percent of cis-woman can reach orgasm during penetrative sex alone. This means the other 82 percent are sitting here wondering WTH is wrong with us. The answer? Nothing.
“There are so many reasons why orgasms might not be happening for you,” says All bodies educator and sex coach Myisha Battle. Things like stress, negative body image, and hormone imbalance can affect your ability. Plus, if you’re on any medication for anxiety (such as SSRIs), Adam & Eve’s sex and relationship therapist Jenni Skyler, PhD, suggests chatting with your doctor since these can affect libido and arousal too.
But all that doesn’t mean you can’t have one. It just means you might have to work at it, and that’s okay! Anything good is worth working for after all, and orgasms? They’re the best.
So, how do you make it happen? The first step is to r-e-l-a-x. “When you take the pressure and focus off of achieving orgasm, you become far more likely to be able to focus on sensations,” explains sex coach Tamica Wilder. “Stay present to every enjoyable experience during sex and resist the need to force a climax. You never know; an orgasm might sneak up and surprise you when you least expect it!”
And if you’ve done all that (or feel like jumping ahead), here are a few more things to try that’ll help you reach that mythical O.
Practice mindfulness outside of the bedroom
“Many [people with vaginas] describe feeling ‘stuck in their heads and experience worrisome or anxious thoughts during sex,” says Wilder. “Too much mind chatter is one of the quickest ways to interrupt your access to pleasure and orgasm.” Both Wilder and Battle suggest practising mindfulness in and out of the bedroom. By learning how to be present, you’ll have a better chance of letting go and enjoying an orgasm, not to mention having one.
Check-in with yourself
If orgasm follows arousal, and arousal is best accessed when we are relaxed, finding ways to destress is vital to come. “For people who struggle with orgasm, it may be good to explore where in their life they harbour too much control,” says Dr Skyler. “Because orgasm is about surrender, when we try to control too many aspects of our life—or some aspects too tightly—this can leak over into orgasm function.” If you’re having a hard time letting go, consider chatting with a professional.
Be very vocal
The key to good sex might be just talking about sex. “When you normalize talking about sex—especially when you do not have it—you create space in your relationships to more easily verbalize what you want at the moment,” says Battle. In addition to chatting outside of the bedroom, don’t be afraid to use your voice while getting it on. “If you’re blocking your sounds, you’re likely blocking your potential for orgasm,” notes Wilder. “When you can allow yourself to vocalize during sex and self-pleasure, you allow more blood flow to your pelvic floor, your vaginal canal, cervix, and the entire structure of your clitoris.”
Try oral sex and nothing else.
FWIW, almost 40 percent of people with vaginas need clitoral stimulation, like oral sex, to climax. So set aside a few evenings when this is the only item on the agenda for both of you. The only goal of the session: Practice some mouth-on-clitoris things that feel good for you (and for your partner to learn what works, too).
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